The Book in Three Sentences
In this book summary of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, you’ll learn the principles that make a happy marriage. According to the author, the key components of an emotionally intelligent marriage include friendship, mutual respect, and positivity. In order to write the book, Gottman observed 650 couples over the course of 14 years.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Summary
About 67% of couples experience a large drop in marital satisfaction in the three years after the birth of their first baby.
1. Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth About Happy Marriages
Couples that are happily married have a dynamic that’s based on keeping their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overtaking the positive ones. This is an emotionally intelligent marriage.
An unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by around 35% and shorten your life by 4-8 years.
When a marriage goes sour, not only do the husband and wife suffer, but also the children.
Everyone thinks communication and learning to resolve your conflict is the road to a happy marriage. Listening and problem-solving techniques are important, but more is needed.
Happily married couples can have screaming matches loud arguments don’t necessarily hurt a marriage.
Some myths about marriage:
- Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages (this doesn’t include severe mental illnesses).
- Common interests keep you together.
- Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage. It’s worth pointing out that while some couples avoid conflict, others argue a lot. No style is better, but whatever you choose, they have to work for both people.
- Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
- Men are biologically “built” for marriage.
- Men and women are from different planets.
2. What Does Make Marriage Work?
Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. This includes mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company, being well-versed in the other person’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams, and expressing their fondness in both big gestures and small gestures every day.
If your marriage is too “positive”, it would take a lot of negativity to harm your relationship. If it’s too negative, it will be more difficult to repair.
Trust and commitment are extremely important. Betrayal is a choice that doesn’t prioritize your partner “before all others”. This includes being emotionally distant, disrespecting the partner, breaking promises.
The key to a healthy relationship is making friendship a top priority.
A repair attempt is a statement/action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.
Most marital arguments cannot be solved. Instead of wasting your time, you need to understand the difference that is causing the conflict and learn to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.
3. How I Predict Divorce
The first sign: a harsh start-up. When the discussion leads off with criticism or sarcasm (a form of contempt) it becomes a harsh start-up. This will inevitably end on a negative note. A harsh start-up dooms you to failure, so pull the plug, breathe, and start over.
The second sign: the four horsem*n.
- Criticism: there is a difference between complaint and criticism. Blaming the other person only makes it worse.
- Contempt: a sense of superiority over your partner. It’s a form of disrespect. Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, hostile humor. This is poisonous to a relationship.
- Defensiveness: This is a way to blame your partner.
- Stonewalling: disengaging and ignoring.
The third sign: flooding. This is feeling overwhelmed (which causes stonewalling) so the person ignores or remains silent.
The fourth sign: body language The heart speed increases (100 BPM or more), there’s more adrenaline, high blood pressure. Your body is telling you to fight or to flee. Men and women really are different. In 85% of heterosexual marriages, the stonewaller is the husband. Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives, this is a biological fact.
The fifth sign: failed repair attempts Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes to de-escalate the tension during a touchy decision. Repair attempts save marriages.
The sixth sign: bad memories When a marriage is not going well, history gets re-written for the worse. The opposite is also true. When history has been rewritten, when mind and body make it impossible to communicate and repair problems, the relationship is likely to fail.
Four final stages that signal the end of a relationship:
- The couple sees marital problems as severe
- Talking seems useless
- The couple leads parallel lives
- Loneliness sets in
4. Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps
A love map is when emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. A love map is also a part of the brain where you store all the relent information about your partner’s life.
There’s strength in knowledge. This involves just talking to your partner.
5. Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
If a couple still has a functional fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable.
The antidote to contempt is to remind yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities. Maintain a sense of respect. Search for the small, everyday moments.
6. Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Two obstacles to turning toward:
- “Missing” a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion.
- Being distracted by the wired world. Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.
When your partner has a lot of negative emotions:
- Acknowledge the difficulty
- Self-soothe
- Remember that the goal is understanding
- Use exploratory statements or open-ended questions
- Don’t ask “why”?
- Bear witness
- Use your partner’s metaphors
- Extra tips for listening to sadness or crying: ask what’s missing, and don’t try to cheer up your partner.
- Extra tips for listening to anger: don’t take it personally, don’t ever tell your partner to “calm down”, and search out the goal and obstacle.
- Extra tip for listening to fear and stress: don’t minimize it.
7. Principle 4: Let Your Power Influence You
Don’t resist your couple’s influence. Share the power and decision-making. In order to have an emotionally intelligent marriage, you should honor and respect the other person. If you accept the other person’s influence, you will strengthen your friendship too.
8. The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict
Marital conflict is normal. Some conflicts are minor, others are overwhelmingly complex. All marital conflicts are either:
- Something that can be resolved
- Perpetual problems
Regarding the latter, around 70% of marital problems are perpetual. You don’t have to resolve your major marital problems for your marriage to thrive.
The signs of gridlock:
- The conflict makes you feel rejected.
- You keep talking about it, but nothing happens.
- You’re unwilling to budge.
- When you discuss the subject, you feel frustrated and hurt.
- The conversations are devoid of humor and affection.
- You become more extreme in your views.
- You disengage emotionally.
Solvable problems:
- They seem less painful and intense
Just remember that no one is right, acceptance is crucial, and focus on fondness and admiration. For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.
9. Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, listen intently communicate, with empathy, that you see the problem from her perspective.
- Soften your start-up
- Learn to make and receive repair attempts
- Soothe yourself and each other
- Compromise
- Process any grievances so that they don’t linger
To soften your start-up:
- Make statements that start with “I” instead of “you”.
- Describe what’s happening. Don’t evaluate or judge.
- Be clear about your positive need.
- Be polite.
- Be appreciative.
- Don’t store things up.
De-escalate tension when things get out of hand.
It’s harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s. When taking a break, do it for 20 minutes. Do a mindless task (reading, walking, listening to music, exercising). You can also try to meditate.
To meditate:
- Sit or lie on your back
- Control your breath (focus on deep, regular breaths)
- Relax your muscles
- Let the tension flow out
- Get the muscles to feel warm
The problem is usually not what you discuss, but how you discuss it.
10. Coping with Typical Solvable Problems
Unplug from distractions.
Consuming p*rnography while in a relationship has its problems:
- It can lead to less frequent sex
- Less sexual communication
- Less mutually satisfying sex
- Increased risk of betrayal
Relax after work
When it comes to relating to the in-laws, always take your spouse’s side. This creates a sense of solidarity.
When the issue is money:
- Itemize your current expenditures
- Manage everyday finances
- Plan your financial future
For housework, be fair and work as a team.
When you become parents, focus on your marital friendship, be sensitive to each other, and include the father in baby care.
Five ways to make sex more personal and romantic:
- Redefine what you mean by sex
- Learn how to talk about it (be gentle and positive). Be patient. Don’t take it personally. Compromise.
- Chart your sexual love maps. What felt good last time? What do you need to make it better?
- Have ongoing conversations about sexual intimacy.
- Learn how to initiate sex and to refuse it gently.
11. Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
You are gridlocked if:
- You have the same argument with no resolution
- Can’t address the subject with humor or affection
- The subject becomes more polarizing
- Compromise seems impossible
The goal is to discuss the issue without hurting each other.
Working on a gridlocked marital issue:
- Explore a dream. Acknowledge and respect each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams. This is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.
- Soothe
- Reach a temporary compromise
- Say “thank you”.
12. Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning
The four pillars of shared meaning:
Pillar one: rituals of connection. Rituals are useful for disconnecting from problems and worries.
Pillar two: support for each other’s roles. Even if you don’t share every philosophical or religious belief, it helps to have similar values because it adds meaning to the marriage.
Pillar three: shared goals. If you share your deepest goals with your spouse, your life together will be more meaningful.
Pillar four: shared values and symbols. Symbols represent certain values and sharing both is important in every marriage.
Afterword: What Now?
You should devote six extra hours a week to your marriage. Here are some ideas on what you should focus on:
- Partings: when you leave your house, make sure you know what’s happening to your partner that day.
- Reunion: hug, kiss, and engage in stress-reducing conversation.
- Admiration and appreciation: say “I love you”.
- Affection: hug and give a goodnight kiss.
- Weekly dates: come up with just-the-two-of-you time.
- State of union meeting: talk about your relationship this week and discuss issues.
Further Reading
- Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism by Fumio Sasaki
- Minimalism: Live a Meaningful Life by Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus
- Think Like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day by Jay Shetty
FAQs
These principles include: enhancing their "love maps"; nurturing their fondness and admiration; turning toward each other instead of away; letting their spouse influence them; solving their solvable problems; overcoming gridlock; and creating a shared sense of meaning.
What are the 7 principles of a successful marriage? ›
Gottman's 7 Principles
- 1) Sharing love maps.
- 2) Nurturing fondness and admiration.
- 3) Turning toward each other, instead of away.
- 4) Letting your partner influence you.
- 5) Solving your solvable problems.
- 6) Overcoming gridlock.
- 7) Creating shared meaning together.
The four horsem*n are specific types of negative communication patterns that are “lethal” to a relationship. These horsem*n are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
What are the basic principles of marriage? ›
The Keys to a Successful Marriage
- Communicate clearly and often. ...
- Tell your spouse that you're thankful for having him or her in your life. ...
- Make time for you two as a couple. ...
- Plan for some personal time. ...
- Understand that it's OK to disagree. ...
- Build trust. ...
- Learn to forgive.
Marriage, writes Keller, “is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.” In other words, marriage means becoming more than you are with the help of someone else. To allow this process, you need to surrender yourself to that someone else.
What is the message of marriage story? ›
Marriage Story shows how the sinews of a relationship remain, as the bones –the emotional connection that provides the real structure – melt away. This couple have a shared life, with a child and a mutual passion for theatre, but ultimately what they have not taken care of is their emotional connection.
What are the 7 dimensions of marriage? ›
Commitment, Intimacy, Individuality, Communication, Passion, Teamwork, and Growth & Spirituality. Each dimension is important and adds to (or detracts from) your overall satisfaction.
Which of Gottman's 7 principles is said to be most important and consists of having a positive view of one's partner? ›
Principle 2: “NURTURE YOUR FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION”
They have a generally positive view of each other even while they grapple with each other's flaws.
What are the principles of marriage according to the Bible? ›
Marriage involves spiritual, emotional, and physical closeness. In the Old Testament, we are taught, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Married couples are meant to be unified in every possible way.
What are the 4 signs of divorce? ›
The Four Horsem*n are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph. D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
According to relationship researcher John Gottman, the magic ratio is 5 to 1. What does this mean? This means that for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be five positive feelings or interactions. Stable and happy couples share more positive feelings and actions than negative ones.
Are John and Julie Gottman still married? ›
Over three decades ago, he married Julie Gottman née Schwartz, a psychotherapist. His two previous marriages had ended in divorce. He has a daughter named Moriah Gottman. John and Julie Gottman currently live in Washington state.
What builds a strong marriage? ›
12 Ways to Build a Strong Marriage Relationship:
- Be intentional about spending time together and doing things you both enjoy.
- Forgive quickly. ...
- Surround yourself with friends who will strengthen your marriage. ...
- Make sex a priority. ...
- Keep communication lines open. ...
- Join a thriving community of faith. ...
- Pick your battles.
He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church… Ephesians 5:33: However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
What are the 5 C's of a successful marriage? ›
Communication, Commitment, Compassion, Compatibility, and Chemistry.
What is the deeper meaning of marriage? ›
Marriage is defined differently, and by separate entities, based on cultural, religious, and personal factors. A commonly accepted and encompassing definition of marriage is a formal union and social and legal contract between two individuals that legally, economically, and emotionally unites their lives.
What is the hidden meaning of marriage? ›
Marriage is a sign of maturity. The couples have grown into adults and are ready to live in their own house. Marriage shows gratefulness to the parents – to give thanks to the parents for raising them. Marriage is a promise of a life together.
What is the best quote on marriage Tim Keller? ›
Marriage has the power to set the course of your life as a whole. If your marriage is strong, even if all the circ*mstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won't matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.
What is the main purpose of marriage in all examples? ›
“Marriage is more than a physical union; it is also a spiritual and emotional union.” Marriage is the beginning—the beginning of the family—and is a life-long commitment. It also provides an opportunity to grow in selflessness as you serve your wife and children.
What was the problem in the Marriage Story? ›
The main issue is whether Charlie will need to move to Los Angeles to keep up regular contact with his son.
The main purpose of marriage, earlier on, was to act as an alliance between families, for either economic or political reasons, or both. The marriage was arranged, more often than not, with the couple marrying having no say in the matter.
What is the meaning of 7 in marriage? ›
Have you ever wondered why certain numbers are considered lucky? For example, the number 7. Most people consider this number to be very good luck, and couples from around the world have chosen 7-7-17 or 7-17-17 as their wedding date this year.
What is the rule of seven in relationship? ›
This rule states that by dividing your own age by two and then adding seven you can find the socially acceptable minimum age of anyone you want to date. So if you're a 24-year-old, you can feel free to be with anyone who is at least 19 (12 + 7) but not someone who is 18.
What are the 5 A's of marriage? ›
The 5 "As": Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, and Attention: The Journey to Emotional Fulfillment.
What makes a healthy marriage? ›
In healthy marriages, spouses are sexually and emotionally faithful to each other. On the other hand, infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce. Intimacy and Emotional Support. Spouses who are intimate, emotionally supportive, trusting, and caring have healthy marriages.
Is the Gottman method the best? ›
Many couples benefit from the Gottman approach, with Gottman therapists being able to predict the success of a relationship with 94% accuracy. Therefore, the Gottman method is one of the most popular types of therapy for people wanting to increase intimacy using intense, tailored couples therapy.
What is the Gottman method approach to better couples therapy? ›
The goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy are to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy; and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.
What are the principles for marriage in 1 Corinthians 7? ›
Bible Gateway 1 Corinthians 7 :: NIV. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.
What is God's purpose for marriage? ›
God's purpose for marriage is to be a picture of the covenant relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church. Jesus gave this vow to His Bride… Key principle: Marriage is not to be a contract that needs both parties to hold up their end of the deal—as 1 Corinthians 13:1 says, “…
What are the three biblical pillars of marriage? ›
The three pillars of a relationship and specifically a marriage is: Validation, Acceptance and Respect.
Lack of intimacy is one of the top predictors of divorce. While intimacy is an essential aspect of a healthy marriage, reduced intimacy can be due to children or busy work lives.
What are the 3 C's of divorce? ›
Divorce is disruptive enough for children of divorce without their parents involved in heated disputes. As a result, I take the approach and utilize what I call the three C's of Divorce with my clients and opposing counsel. Communication, Cooperation and Clarification.
What is the hardest time in marriage? ›
According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, as it turns out, the first year really is the hardest—even if you've already lived together. In fact, it often doesn't matter if you've been together for multiple years, the start of married life is still tricky.
What is flooding in relationships? ›
The term for this is “flooding”: it's a nervous system that's kicked into overdrive. Gottman defines emotional flooding in relationships as “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving conversation.”
What is contempt in a relationship? ›
About Contempt
Contempt comes from a place of superiority and makes the other feel inferior. Deep down, it stems from a sense of feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged in the relationship. It can take the form of verbal or non-verbal language, which can include sarcasm, mockery, and facial gestures.
How do you resolve a fight in a marriage? ›
How to Fight Fair
- Keep your cool. This is key to fighting fair. ...
- Be polite. When we interrupt, we are listening to respond rather than understand. ...
- Focus on the present. Focus only on the argument at hand. ...
- Don't lash out. When fights get dirty, couples start to name call. ...
- Say you're sorry.
Establish a 10-minute rule. Every day, for 10 minutes, talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems, no scheduling, no logistics. Tell each other about your lives.
How often do 50 year old married couples make love? ›
31 percent of couples have sex several times a week; 28 percent of couples have sex a couple of times a month; and 8 percent of couples have sex once a month. Sadly — or so we thought — 33 percent of respondents said they rarely or never have sex.
What is the Gottman repair checklist? ›
The Gottman library of interventions include a Repair Checklist. It's a list of phrases clustered into different categories including I FEEL, SORRY, GET TO YES. The idea is that as conversations escalate, you can turn to the list and identify which phrases will and won't work.
What are the 4 pillars of marriage? ›
Safety, Faithfulness, Commitment and Reliability are 4 pillars of trust every marriage needs. If any one of these is missing, the roof starts caving in and the relationship starts to deteriorate. Marriages thrive when both partners feel safe and secure.
Four proven ingredients that build and maintain awesome marriages are (1) Commitment, (2) Communication, (3) Consideration, and (4) Intentionality. Commitment is not an emotional feeling, but rather a choice.
What does an unhealthy marriage look like? ›
When a marriage is unhealthy, issues of control are usually evident. Finances are an easy weapon of control. One partner starts deciding how money is spent and how much the other spouse can spend. Control can also spill over into areas like friendships and outside activities.
What is the most romantic verse in the Bible? ›
Song of Solomon 8:6–7
Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
What God says about marriage problems? ›
Constant Conflict – (Ephesians 5:33)
“If your marriage is filled with conflict, don't give up.” This scripture instructs a husband to love his wife as he loves himself and that his wife must respect him. If your marriage is filled with conflict, don't give up.
Are there any psalms about marriage? ›
Psalm 85:10
"Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other."
What are the 7 foundations of marriage? ›
These principles include: enhancing their "love maps"; nurturing their fondness and admiration; turning toward each other instead of away; letting their spouse influence them; solving their solvable problems; overcoming gridlock; and creating a shared sense of meaning.
What are the 3 A's of marriage? ›
The 3As In Relationship Success: Acceptance, Appreciation, Acknowledgement.
What is the secret to a happy marriage? ›
Protect your marriage by regularly trying new things and sharing new experiences with your spouse. Make a list of the favorite things you and your spouse do together, and then make a list of the fun things you'd like to try. Avoid old habits and make plans to do something fresh and different once a week. What's Next?
What is the biblical principle for marriage? ›
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
What are the 7 stages of marriage PDF? ›
From Publishers Weekly. Marriage therapist DeMaria and co-writer Harrar present a short guide to the seven stages of marriage-Passion, Realization, Rebellion, Cooperation, Reunion, Explosion and Completion-along with techniques for "feeling happy, secure and satisfied" in any of them.
Husbands are to love unconditionally and sacrificially, putting his wife's needs before his own. He is to be attentive and affectionate and meet her need for security. Wives are to respect their husbands. Wives are to reinforce and meet a husband's need for significance by valuing him and esteeming him.
Why did God create marriage according to the Bible? ›
First, marriage is a partnership. In Genesis 2:18 God said, “It is not good for the man (Adam) to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Sometimes we say, “In terms of my life, marrying my husband/wife was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.” Second, marriage is for procreation.
What has God said about marriage? ›
He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church… Ephesians 5:33: However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
What is the godly advice for marriage? ›
Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Patience is essential not only in a marriage but also in life. Not only is patience an attribute we are called to hone, but it is also the best way to treat your husband or wife.
What is 7 lives of marriage? ›
7 Vows Of Marriage: 1st Phera Signifies – Nourishment
- Groom: “Om Esha Ekapadi Bhava Iti Prathaman”
- Bride: “Dhanam Dhanyam Pade Vadet”
- Groom: “Om Oorje Jara Dastayaha”
- Bride: “Kutumburn Rakshayishyammi Sa Aravindharam”
- Groom: “Om Rayas Santu Joraa Dastayaha”
- Bride: “Tava Bhakti as Vadedvachacha”
