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I’ve seen it over and over. Couples come see me and begin recounting a litany of complaints about each other. They share painful experiences of feeling hurt, jealous, ignored, and unvalued. They complain that their spouse has been irritable, withdrawn, short-tempered, impatient, and unsociable. They say they are fighting over money, childrearing, in-laws, balancing work and family, sex, friendships, housework, and leisure time. For many of these couples, it can be hard to remember when they last had a good time together or even what they originally found so attractive about each other. Everything about their relationship seems hopeless. And that is usually a telltale sign.
An underlying condition that can be toxic to a relationship.
Depression can be so toxic to a relationship that when couples come in for therapy I always screen for depression. Yes, the problems and conflicts they are experiencing are real. Yes, there are differences that need to be reconciled, bad habits that need to be broken, and empathy and communication that need to be cultivated. But what is often a key dynamic in a couple’s misery–and too frequently ignored–is that one or both partners may be depressed. While their challenges may be significant and need to be addressed, they are being exacerbated by a depression that may be biologically or hormonally based and must be treated.
In some cases, it's depression that leads to infidelity or substance use, which then further exacerbates couple conflicts. That is what happened with Jim*, an actor, and his wife Julie*, a publicist for a large company. They had been married for 15 years, had children ages eleven and nine, and said their relationship had been “great” until about six years ago.
It began subtly. First, Jim lost his sense of humor. Then his patience. Then his ability to work because it took a lot of energy. He stopped going to auditions and was around the house all day. Jim’s self-esteem plummeted. He felt guilty about not earning money but was unable to summon the effort to do anything about it. Frustrated by Jim’s souring mood and disappointment with himself, Julie found herself engaged in shouting matches, screaming, “why don’t you just go out and work?” Their sex life became nonexistent. Jim began drinking to calm his nerves. When Julie announced she was leaving the marriage—she'd grown up with an alcoholic father and wasn't going to tolerate even early warning signs of deterioration—Jim crashed. In despair at the thought of losing Julie, he recognized he needed to seek help from a mental health professional.
When Jim entered my office for a consultation, his first statement was, “I’ve ruined my life. I haven’t worked for five years, and my wife is leaving me. I think I’m beyond help.” Jim went on to describe his symptoms: he couldn’t sleep or eat, he had little energy, he couldn’t focus on his career, and was preoccupied with feelings of failure and guilt. Jim had never considered all his symptoms related to one condition. But they were.
This was a clear case of depression, and, as I told him, he had an excellent chance of being treated successfully. Jim was willing, actually eager, to start taking antidepressant medication. He responded so well that when an actor friend invited him to accompany him to an audition, Jim not only went along, but the director, who recognized him from his old days in the theatre, asked him to try out for another part. Jim was offered a role. His life got back on track. Fortunately, his marriage did as well.
Blaming unhappiness on your partner.
People often think of depression as a mood disorder. And it certainly does impact mood, But depression doesn’t just make people feel sad and irritable. It can also affect cognitive thinking. When one is depressed, it’s hard to make decisions, problem solve and see anything in a positive light. When people are depressed, they feel hopeless. Many depressed people blame their unhappiness on their partner. And they feel certain that there is no way to improve the relationship.
- What Is Depression?
- Find a therapist to overcome depression
It often surprises couples when, during a marriage counseling appointment, I say I want to assess both spouses or partners for depression. They have been sure that there is nothing ”wrong” with themselves and that it’s just their partner who “is the problem.” I explain that depression makes everything seem worse. And so, while the problems they face need to be resolved, they will be much more difficult to address if they are stuck in a depression.
As in Jim’s case, depression can manifest in various ways. Those who suffer from depression often don’t realize that varied symptoms are tied up in one condition. Symptoms can include ones that are physical (problems with sleeping and eating); emotional (feeling sad, impatient, irritable, and/or suicidal); cognitive (problems concentrating, having difficulty making decisions, experiencing problems with memory); somatic (having headaches, stomach aches, or other physical pains); and social (unable to enjoy engaging with friends and/or colleagues). Before diagnosing depression, a health practitioner must ensure that no other medical conditions, like sleep apnea, dementia, Parkinson’s Disease, or drug reactions, may contribute to the symptoms.
Depression Essential Reads
What Is Agitated Depression?
Assuming no other medical complication exists, the frequency and intensity of the symptoms will determine if someone is experiencing a major depression or has a more low-level depression known as dysthymia or persistent depressive disorder. What can be so confusing about this latter, milder type of depression is that it is more subtle. It generally doesn’t fit the classic picture of someone who wants to stay in bed all day with the window blinds closed. Some people live for years with it. They are often described as seeing the “glass half-full.”
Sullen, withdrawn, and irritable moods can be difficult to tolerate.
Yet, even though it is less extreme, persistent depressive disorder can be just as devastating to a relationship. People with mild to moderate depression can go to work or school and assume parenting and other responsibilities. But their sullen, withdrawn, or irritable mood makes them difficult to tolerate. And because the condition is probably not interfering with day-to-day functioning, it’s often not clear to a couple that the angry barbs and accusations are the depression “talking.”
This milder form of depression may also have more of an off-and-on rhythm so that one day a person seems agreeable, and the next day is unbearable to live with. The partner who is depressed often blames their change in disposition on their partner, who, in turn, feels hurt and angry at the accusation. It’s easy to see how quickly a couple can get into a vicious cycle of anger, blame, hurt, and hopelessness. By not recognizing that depression is a key component in the ruination of their relationship, too many couples consult with a divorce lawyer when they really need to first meet with a mental health professional.
Treatment for depression can help heal a relationship.
While the bad news is that depression can destroy a relationship, the good news is that effective treatment for depression can heal a relationship. When I identify depression in one or both partners who come in for couples counseling, the treatment for depression is given priority. Once the dark cloud of depression is lifted, relationships “lighten up.” There is less blame and frustration. Instead of channeling energy into accusations, it can be directed to tackling relationship problems and identifying and implementing solutions.
In our book The First Year of Marriage: What to Expect, What to Accept and What You Can Change, we share our findings that newlyweds who "sweep problems under the rug" are the most likely to get divorced. When signs of depression are addressed early on, before too many ugly accusations are hurled back and forth, relationships can be saved. They may even be stronger than before. And, in cases where marriages are not salvaged, having had depression treated will enable partners to transition out of the relationship with a healthier, more positive, and constructive mindset. Depression is never inevitable nor should it ever be ignored.
*Not their real name
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
FAQs
In couples where one or both partners are depressed, research shows marital conflict is more likely. When depression alters perception and causes a negative viewpoint, there is more opportunity for conflict. A depressed spouse may say hurtful things, respond irritably in conversation, or simply ignore their spouse.
How many marriages end in divorce because of depression? ›
Studies have shown that people who suffer from mental illness have a higher rate of divorce. One study that was conducted in 2011 actually put that divorce rate increase at between 20 to 80 percent.
Can depression make you want to leave your partner? ›
Symptoms of depression include a low sense of self-worth and a reduced interest in socializing and other activities, including sex. These may affect how a person feels about being in a relationship. If dissatisfaction with the relationship is a factor, the person may wish to leave.
Do people get divorced because of depression? ›
The depression itself doesn't lead directly to divorce, experts say. Rather, it is the consequences of not addressing the depression. "I don't usually hear, 'I got a divorce because my wife was depressed,'" Sherman tells WebMD. Much more typical: "My spouse became distant and had an affair."
Can depression make you a bad partner? ›
In other words, being depressed can cause you to pay less attention to your partner, be less involved, be more irritable or have trouble enjoying time together–all of which can cause your relationship to falter.
Can depression make you unhappy in your marriage? ›
Depressive symptoms can surface when one partner feels like they can't function or be happy without the other. Enmeshment occurs with a lack of boundaries, making it difficult for you to see where you end and another person begins. Whether the couple knows it or not, this can be taxing.
What is the #1 divorce cause? ›
According to various studies, the 4 most common causes of divorce are lack of commitment, infidelity or extramarital affairs, too much conflict and arguing, and lack of physical intimacy. The least common reasons are lack of shared interests and incompatibility between partners.
What mental illness has the highest divorce rate? ›
Some mental health disorders are more predictive of divorce than others. Individuals with histrionic personality disorder, for example, were found to have the highest divorce rates. (Histrionic personality disorder typically involves a great deal of attention-seeking behavior, paired with rapidly changing emotions.)
Can a marriage survive mental illness? ›
Some marriages can survive a mental illness, and some can't. There are many people with mental illness who have gotten the treatment and medication they needed, and they've gone on to have happy marriages and fulfilling lives.
Should I stay in a relationship with a depressed person? ›
Trying to sustain a relationship with a depressed person can make the healthy partner feel helpless and more than a little hopeless at times. If you feel you simply can't go on, it may be time to sever ties. But walking away may be easier than it sounds, especially if you're in a marriage.
Tips for Dealing With Mental Illness in a Relationship
- Understand the illness and the available treatment options. ...
- Figure out how you can help each other. ...
- Don't let diagnosis ruin the relationship. ...
- Enjoy your relationship without letting mental illness affect it. ...
- Keep up positive communication with each other.
Depressed partners regret leaving very often, yes, but it should not be a pattern. Your partner must understand that they cannot resort to breaking up every time they're feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges. A relationship is made of two people that are ready and willing to be a team.
Who is usually happier after divorce? ›
And while media often shows men finding relief after “escaping the bear trap” of a bad marriage, and casts women in a desperate, “washed-up” light, research continues to show that women often report being happier after divorce.
What is the divorce rate for major depression? ›
The fallout is a high divorce rate, says Anita H. Clayton, M.D., a psychiatrist at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. Research suggests mental disorders are linked to an increase in divorce ranging from 20 percent (in the case of minor phobias) to 80 percent (when addiction or major depression are factors).
Should unhappy couples get divorced? ›
If you wonder why divorce is good, know that a bad marriage can stop the growth for both of you. So, it's better to file for divorce and go separate ways. This will remove distraction in the long run and help you both bring the focus back to your life.
Can depression make you a mean person? ›
While you may not realize it, this persistent anger could actually be a sign of depression. Some people living with depression notice increased feelings of anger and irritability, directed both toward themselves and others.
Does depression make you unable to love? ›
Depression is, by definition, a mood disorder. People suffering from it are incapable of experiencing the wide range of emotions a non-depressed person does, and that includes the feelings of love. The neurotransmitters in their brain are not doing their jobs appropriately, which inhibits typical brain function.
How do you know if you're falling out of love? ›
Besides no longer getting excited to spend time together, you may find yourself flat-out avoiding your partner. You may stay late at work, see movies or eat dinner by yourself, or even take the long way home to avoid being with your partner for a moment longer than you have to.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome? ›
There's a term for this: walkaway wife syndrome. This term is sometimes used to describe instances where a spouse – often the wife – has felt alone, neglected, and resentful in a deteriorating marriage and decides it's time to end it.
What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›
What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.
Staying in an unhappy marriage may breed feelings of insecurity, resentment, or despair, Neupert says, which may then lead you and your partner to argue more frequently. More frequent conflict can increase those negative feelings, creating an emotionally draining cycle.
At what year do most couples divorce? ›
While there are countless divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. Of those two high-risk periods, there are two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.
What is the most difficult transition in married life? ›
According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, as it turns out, the first year really is the hardest—even if you've already lived together. In fact, it often doesn't matter if you've been together for multiple years, the start of married life is still tricky.
Who initiates divorce more? ›
A study led by the American Sociological Association determined that nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women.
What is the rate of depression in marriage? ›
Also, another study conducted among married women found that 33.3% of participants were depressed [13]. Furthermore, one recent study revealed that 20.1% of married women suffer from severe depression [14].
What are the top predictors of divorce? ›
Six Factors That Predict Divorce
- Contempt. Of all the predictive factors, contempt is the most prominent one. ...
- Criticism. Criticism is among the four predictors of divorce, as described by Dr Gottman. ...
- Stonewalling. ...
- Lack of intimacy. ...
- Infidelity. ...
- Being too needy.
Research indicates life after divorce for men is more traumatic than it is for women, taking a more significant emotional toll as well as sparking physical deterioration. Women file for divorce 70% of the time, and when it's a shock, with no time to prepare — that has a marked impact on how men handle divorce.
What does the Bible say about depression and mental illness? ›
Psalm 9:9. “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” The Good News: Depression can make you feel as though you're weighed down. But no matter how troubled you feel, this verse reminds you that the Lord is always there to support you.
How do you know when your marriage is really over? ›
There Is No Emotional Intimacy Between You
Over time you become disengaged, spending more time alone, at work, with the kids, or with other friends than you do with your spouse. The two of you become more like roommates and co-parents rather than a married couple.
What does God say about mental illness in marriage? ›
Psalm 34:7-20
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.” As mentioned in the above verses, God does not neglect people who have mental illnesses.
It's a serious, but treatable condition that affects millions of people around the world. Dating someone with depression can be overwhelming. It can leave you feeling bewildered and confused. You may be at a loss of how to help your partner while taking care of your own mental health.
Why do people with depression struggle with relationships? ›
This is because depression and stress create a self-derating cycle that distorts your perception of life- including your relationship. Many people with Major Depression describe the illness as living each day in a heavy fog.
What should you not say to someone who is depressed? ›
Don't Oversimplify. Your well-meaning exhortations to "cheer up" or "smile" may feel friendly and supportive to you, but they oversimplify the feelings of sadness associated with depression. Just as someone who is depressed can't force their brain to make more serotonin, they also can't just "decide" to be happy.
Is it reasonable to break up with someone because of mental health? ›
Mental illness alone is no excuse to break up with someone. Loads of people with mental health conditions are able to enjoy long lasting, fulfilling, happy relationships. Just because someone is depressed, has anxiety, or [insert mental illness here], doesn't mean you should write them off.
What are silent red flags in a relationship? ›
According to Jaseena, “Silent red flags in a relationship are those that are not as obvious or jarring as the generic ones like abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting. They aren't visible but are as toxic as the generic red flags.
What mental illness causes unstable relationships? ›
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or explosive emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions, self-image issues, and chaotic relationships with other people.
When should you walk away from someone with mental illness? ›
As much as you might love or care for the individual, if they are emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive, it is okay to step away from the situation. Some examples of emotional, mental, and physical abuse include: Emotional & Mental Abuse: Being dissatisfied, no matter how hard you try or how much you give.
What are the effects of heartbreak depression? ›
Heartbreak Can Be Debilitating
Jennifer Kelman, licensed clinical social worker and life coach, says that heartbreak can lead to appetite changes, lack of motivation, weight loss or weight gain, overeating, headaches, stomach pain, and a general sense of being unwell.
Do depressed people regret their decisions? ›
Studies have found that a high level of regret is related to depression, anxiety and worse sleep and problem-solving. Most people feel a pang of regretted action (I wish I hadn't done that!) quickly and intensely, but regret over inaction (I should have done that) lingers longer.
Which type of person is more likely to remarry after divorce? ›
Men Are More Likely to Remarry
This data indicates that men are consistently more likely to attempt a second marriage than women.
There are five common emotions people experience during the divorce process. They are often referred to as the five stages of grief. They include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Naturally, these expand to more nuanced emotions that vary based on your circ*mstances.
How divorce changes a woman? ›
Divorce puts a strain on the financial, social, and emotional relationships of the partners. This time particularly can be devastating for women who may lose confidence, be forced into custody issues, and may lose hope of ever finding happiness again. Some women find it hard to return to their normal self again.
Why can't I leave my unhappy marriage? ›
You may feel you can't leave an unhappy marriage for a variety of reasons, but it doesn't mean you have to be stuck. Individual or marriage counseling with a qualified therapist can help you work towards a healthier balanced life – and just maybe bring happiness back to your marriage.
Is life happier after divorce? ›
While some may be happier after a divorce, research indicates most adults that divorce have lower levels of happiness and more psychological distress compared to married individuals. Divorce can bring up new conflicts between couples that cause more tension than when they were married.
Is it better to be single or in a loveless marriage? ›
Experts say it is better to be single than be involved in a poor-quality relationship. A study found that being trapped in an unhappy partnership is so damaging to a person's health, they would be better off alone.
How does mental illness affect marriage? ›
People struggling with extreme mental health issues may struggle to articulate themselves or communicate their feelings, making conversation difficult and causing the relationship to flounder. Depression can cause apathy toward communicating and anxiety can cause unfounded mistrust between a couple.
What was the effect of the depression on the relationships? ›
Unfortunately, depression can cause overwhelming loneliness and detachment which can hinder any relationship. Some people who suffer from depression experience debilitating exhaustion and hopelessness which can be very frustrating for two people in a relationship.
Does depression affect intimacy? ›
Your physical and mental health go hand in hand. Depression can not only affect your sex life, but also your ability to be intimate and open in relationships. If you're experiencing depression, try to keep the lines of communication open. Talk with your sexual partner, friends and family members.
What are the emotional stages of a marriage breakdown? ›
I have also noted that client's have shown five distinct emotional stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Whilst this may not be true for everyone, certain feelings and behaviours can often resonate to identify these stages.
How do you know when to end a relationship? ›
What does real trouble look like?
- There's no emotional connection. ...
- Communication breakdown. ...
- Aggressive or confrontational communication. ...
- There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ...
- You don't trust them. ...
- Fantasising about others. ...
- You're not supporting each other and have different goals. ...
- You can't imagine a future together.
Your spouse's mental condition will not prevent you from obtaining a divorce, but it can certainly slow down the process. If your spouse has a debilitating mental health issue, the judge may appoint a guardian ad litem to represent them to ensure that the ill spouse's legal interests are represented.
How do guys act when they are depressed? ›
It can make you feel sad, irritable or empty and lose pleasure or interest in things you usually enjoy. Depression affects 1 in 8 men at some point in their lives. Men are more likely to be aware of the physical aspects of depression, such as feeling tired or losing weight, rather than changes in how they feel.
What are four negative effects of harmful relationships on mental emotional health? ›
Toxic relationships cause feelings of low self-worth, helplessness, fear, anxiety, depression, insecurity, paranoia, and even narcissism.
How does love save us from depression? ›
Love and positive social support increase feelings of happiness and reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. Being loved improves self-worth and feelings of being valued, which in turn aids treatment.
What does lack of emotional intimacy look like? ›
Lack of emotional intimacy can not only lead one or both partners to hide their emotions, but can also make it a struggle for you to involve your partner in your life. This could mean not spending time with each other, not talking much to each other or even not keeping up with each other's lives.
